So, I needed a laugh... (7/11/08)

A LOT going on right now--impending birthdays, family visits, part-time single momhood again, so I could definitely use a laugh. And I got one: I took a look at the birth plan I ever-so-carefully drafted when I was about seven months pregnant.

You see, having a child is definitely like crossing a threshold. You think you know beforehand what things "should" or "might" be like. But if you haven't been there, you don't know squat. I know that I was a much better parent before I had a child.

Delivering a child is similar. I'm Type A+, as I've previously mentioned, and when I was pregnant, I will admit, in hindsight (and as others will corroborate) that I was OBSESSED with my pregnancy. I read everything in print and online, I bored people shitless with the minutiae of what I was experiencing (although I still think it's cool when your baby gets the hiccups inside of you), I relentlessly posted on baby boards, I fantasized about every possible worst and best case scenarios.

Toward the end, I became fixated on the delivery itself. What if I got the OB from the practice whom I loathed? What if it became necessary for a C-section? What if the birth wasn't the most absolutely perfect thing to EVER HAPPEN? So I got the bright idea to draft a birth plan, based on one I'd found online. For shits and giggles, as suggested by Julie Bulie (who really bore the brunt of my obsession--I am so sorry, Miss Hathaway!), I'm posting the funnier parts of it followed in brackets by what really happened:

The XXX Birth Plan

Due date: July 26, 2005
Obstetrician: Dr. XXX
Birth center: XXX

Dear Dr. XXX/other obstetricians and the Birthing Center Staff:

I look forward to sharing the upcoming birth of my first child with you. I have created the following birth plan to help you understand my preferences for labor and delivery. I have shared this plan with my husband and Dr. XXX, and I hope that you will assist me in making this the wonderful experience a birth should be!
[HA HA HA HA HA!!!! "Wonderful experience"? What the frack was I expecting? Disney World?]

In general, I am hoping for a calm, not rushed or frightening, environment. [Riiiiight.] However, if you see anything that looks like it might become a problem, I would like to have the opportunity to discuss it well in advance. I understand that I likely will be nervous and not thinking clearly [no shit!] but my husband is well aware of my wishes and is to act as my advocate. [This is the same man who, when we were leaving for the hospital, looked at me as I was doubled over with a contraction and said, "Is that what you're wearing?"] If possible, I would prefer a woman obstetrician to attend my labor and delivery. [Unbeknownst to me pre-delivery was that a janitor could have overseen the birth and I wouldn't have given a damn.]

If you have any questions or suggestions, please let me know. Thank you for being part of a special day in our lives! [They must have been pissing their pants laughing at this when I sent it over. I sure would have been.]

BEFORE LABOR BEGINS:

If the baby and I are fine, and if I go past my estimated due date, I would like to wait until I go into labor naturally. [A was five days early and even then, I was asking my OB how she felt about inducing early labor. I wanted that baby OUT!]

FIRST STAGE OF CHILDBIRTH: LABOR
First Stage, Phase I - Latent Labor

General Background:

Upon entering my hospital or birth center, it is crucial for me that I will not be separated from my partner(s) at any point during labor or birth. [Had I been able to do anything other than focus on my contractions, I would have ordered T to go away because all he was doing was peering at the monitor and offering such helpful comments as, "Looks like you're having another contraction" and "Hey, that looks like a big one!" Sadly, I was far too focused to swear mightily at him and a glare had to suffice.]

Environment:

Ideally, I would like my environment to have dimmed lights, lowered voices, and possibly include music I provide. [When I re-read this, I was almost crying, I was laughing so hard. You see, my water broke at 10:30 pm, I had my first contraction around 11:30 pm and the second around 11:32 pm. By the time I was admitted and checked at midnight, I was already at 7 cm. In other words, things were moving so quickly that they could have brought in a high-school band and lit the room up like a runway and I wouldn't have even noticed.]


First Stage, Phase II - Active Labor - Getting to 10 cm

Exams:

I would like to keep internal vaginal exams to a minimum and I would like to be informed of them in advance and to be walked through them as the doctor is performing them, rather than an abrupt examination. [Right. I was vaguely aware, between contractions, that there was occasionally someone's hand checking on things. I can only assume it was the doctor's.]

Eating / Drinking:

I understand that I will be working REALLY hard. Therefore I would like no restrictions on food or drink. If hospital rules do not allow food, I would like access to clear fluids like water and/or ice-chips. I recognize that this depends on the anesthesiologist. [I dimly recall Tom offering me ice chips and me taking about two minutes to hazily say "yes" each time.]

IV Preparation:

If an IV drip is started, I would like to remain as mobile as possible. [HEE HEE HEE!! What, was I going to be running marathons up and down the hallway? I couldn't even turn over without it causing excruciating pain!]

Pain Relief:

My birth partner and I would like to take a few moments to privately discuss my pain-relief options before a decision is made. [This is probably the funniest part. Our "private discussion" took place in the car as we were speeding to the hospital. Keep in mind that we live five minutes from the hospital and that I had three contractions between our front door step and the check-in desk. Me, groaning in pain: "HURRY. UP." T: "Try the breathing exercises, honey!" Me: "I have been breathing for my entire fucking life and it's never helped with pain before! I need a fucking epidural and NOW!"] However, please suggest medications if you see I am uncomfortable and please discuss my options for medication as soon as possible. [Fortunately, my nonstop screeching for the nurse to "start the IV NOW! NOW" earned me some Nubain, which, for the uninformed, is a muscle relaxant. Basically, I could still feel the contractions, I just didn't care. T says I turned from the cartoon cat clinging to the ceiling into Bob Marley humming "don't worry/'bout a thing."]

I would like the opportunity to try non-medical, non-invasive pain-relief methods. Some therapies I feel would be useful for me include massage, guided relaxation, change in position, and hot/cold therapy. [SNERK!]

Ideally, I would like to be allowed freedom of movement -- to walk, rock, use the bathroom and move as my body dictates. [See earlier IV/movement comment. Then double it.]

First Stage, Phase III - Transition

At this point, my body may be most sensitive. If I am feeling that my support person's or staff member's voice and/or touch feels too much, I will indicate so. [Again: It was all a blur. Dick Cheney may well have stopped by, I don't know.]

SECOND STAGE OF CHILDBIRTH:
PUSHING AND DELIVERY

Pushing

Coaching Preferences:

I will trust the nurses/doctor to let me know when to push and when my husband should coach me to push. [True story: T was supposed to support me and do three counts of 10 for each contraction. Several contractions in, he starts going, "9, 10, 11, 12, 13." And I turn and pant, "What the fuck are you doing?" He says, "I thought it would go faster if you pushed more." I ask you...]


Time Limits:

As long as it is clear that my baby's heart tones are good and that she/he is receiving sufficient oxygen, I would like to be free of time limits on pushing. It is important to me to allow my body to operate in its natural rhythm and timetable. However, if it is not working/clear that it is not going to work, I'd like to discuss options. [Please note that the primary reason I put together this stupid birth plan in the first place was some irrational fear that I was going to be forced into having a C-section without actually needing one. I don't know why. I was pregnant. 'Nuff said. Anyway, what actually transpired is that I ended up pushing for nearly two hours. About an hour in, after every contraction, I whimpered, "Are you sure we shouldn't do a C-section? I really think we should do a C-section." Luckily, everyone was ignoring me by that point.]

Positions:

If my doctor or midwife feels that pushing may not be progressing efficiently, I would like to be reminded that sometimes changing positions helps. Because I may be very internally-focused, I would like to be encouraged to alter to one or more of the following delivery positions: squatting, side-lying position, standing upright, hands and knees on floor, kneeling, semi-reclining on bed with knees pressed to chest with support person behind me providing counter-pressure, or whatever else may help. [Seriously? No... seriously?]

Vaginal Delivery:

Ideally, I would like to avoid an episiotomy. [Wouldn't we all, honey?]


THIRD STAGE OF CHILDBIRTH: DELIVERY OF PLACENTA OR AFTERBIRTH

If a procedure is necessary, please explain it to me. [I don't even remember when this popped out--A was born a little pale and it took some doing to get her to cry, so I was so anxious that I didn't even notice what was going on with me. All I know is that the doctor proffered the placenta in a tray and said, "Do you want to see it?" I looked at what looked like my liver and said, "Oh, that's gross." Miracle of life, my ass.]


So, there you go. Fact versus fiction, fantasy versus reality. But in the end, no matter how it happens, it only matters that you've got a healthy baby in your arms. And a good story to boot.