For your consideration: Our entry for the Parents of The Year Award

In response to my post (diatribe, harangue, whatever) about today’s kids’ cartoons, my friend K posited, What do I think of today’s kids’ movies? Which is a legitimate question, yet it's one that I am can't answer because for the most part, A really hasn’t been exposed to any aside from the few Disney-princess movies they've show at daycare. In January, however, we did have encounters with two so-called child-friendly movies that did nothing to make me think that exposing A to such movies is a hot idea. Let the tale unfold...

We Are Awesome Parents (Part One):

We were in Best Buy because T was itching to get a new tv, in theory so that we’re ready for the transition to high-def, in reality because he’s a man and he always wants the latest technology. (And while I usually steer away from men/women stereotypes, I have yet to see a case where this one isn’t true.) Anyway, while he was browsing, I was trying to entertain A, so I wandered around with her until we found a tv showing a Pixar short called “Jack Jack Attack.” Never having seen "The Incredibles," the movie this is based on, I knew nothing about the precocious little Jack Jack. So we watched the short, A all kinds of interested, and then suddenly, the baby self-immolates. I was a bit surprised; A freaked. Her face crumpled and she started screaming “Baby's on fire! Baby's on fire!” Needless to say, this alarmed the other customers a great deal and we were forced to beat a hasty retreat from premises. And for the rest of the day, we had to reassure her that babies don't randomly catch on fire and that the baby she’d seen was just fine. (Which is tricky, because you certainly don’t want to imply that it’s good to be on fire, either. At least, I don’t think you do.) So every time she asked, “Is the baby on fire?” we’d say, “No, the baby took a bath and he's fine.” (Because really... what the hell DO you say?) She seemed dubious but finally, grudgingly accepted this, sometime after the millionth time we told her. Problem solved, right? Of course not.

No, We Really Are Awesome Parents (Part Two):

In an effort to stave off potential nightmares, T downloaded the whole short. We figured that if we couldn't convince her that the baby was fine, we could fast-forward to the end and show her that all was well and good with Fire Baby. T also downloaded my favorite Pixar short, "Mike's New Car" from “Monsters Inc.” (Which, if you haven't seen it, is hysterical.) Because we are complete morons, we still hadn’t yet realized that A, at age 2 1/2, was going to see things through different eyes than we do. So we decided to show her the “Mike” short. And really, she did okay with it until the part where Mike is standing in front of the car and the hood suddenly pops open, he falls in, and the hood slams shut again, trapping him inside. At which point her eyes bugged and she started yelling “No want to watch! No watch this!” and then ran away to go hide in the kitchen.

So, at least we've given her something good to talk about in therapy.

(And P.S.: Wouldn’t “Baby’s On Fire” be an awesome blog name? I gotta get A working on that…)